Or at least starting the process of defining mine, I do not yet know what it means, I just know I’m not free.
I’m not free of want, prejudice, jealousy, fear and so much more. I’ve fucked up all my chances to have a “normal” life – I dropped out of college, walked out of a 9 year relationship and managed to screw up the next one for the next 2. I’m not settled, have no kids and have no desire of changing the situation.
At least no one can call me a quitter.
It feels like I’ve been fighting life, not living it. Despite knowing better and having experienced being some years back I insisted on going back to the tried and tested ways of wasting one’s precious time on earth.
To quote the ever trusty Metallica :
“Stop to warm at karma’s burning
My lifestyle determines my deathstyle
You live it or you lie it
I’ve worn out always being afraid
An endless stream of fear that i’ve made
Treading water full of worry
This frantic tick tick talk of hurry”
The only thing it seems I know about love is that I have no real clue. I think I was James in a previous life:
“Love is control
I’ll die if I let go
Squeeze all within my hands
choke within my hands
I’ll die if I let go
Control is love, love is control
I’ll fall if I let go
Control is love, love is control
I will only let you breathe
My air that you receive
Then we’ll see if i let you love me”
Being the die-hard optimist I am, I guess that means there’s hope: one can work on what one knows is lacking. So, this not really a “new”-new thing, I’m sort of just re-dedicating myself to living, loving and learning. To surround myself with people who are living free, thinking free.
This is a work in progress, I’ll update on the “About” page from time to time. I think I’ll start with this:
I will strive to :
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Be responsible and accountable for all my actions. No one else is and I will not, for instance, expect the government to ensure my well being. It’s my job.
-
Become aware of me, through my body. All the guys who seem to know what’s potting says your body is the gateway to awareness.
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Allow others to aspire to and achieve the same as what I’m trying to achieve.
