And they did.

“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.”

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked: “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied: “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

Linux is only free if your time has no value.

It works on my machine.

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

With regard to adding more programmers to get a project done faster…Nine people can’t make a baby in a month.

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping ’round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning.

You can stand on the shoulders of giants OR a big enough pile of dwarfs, works either way.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot

We better hurry up and start coding, there are going to be a lot of bugs to fix.

A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.

Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren’t doing anything. One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell whether or not they are working simply by looking at them. Very often they’re sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and gossiping, or just staring into space. What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

1. We’re more curious than the rest of the population.

2. We’re hackers by trade, so we are open to trying new things.

3. We produce things for ordinary users, so we’re more attuned to producing an orgasm in our partner then the rest of the population.

4. We use technology to help get you in the mood even before you arrive.

5. We’re more likely to mute our telephone, and turn down the volume on the computer so incoming IM’s don’t make a sound. We’re also used to not answering the telephone, instead preferring asynchronous means of communications.

6. We watch a lot of porn, so we know a lot of positions. This means we’re open to trying them all.

7. Geeks multitask. So we pleasure multiple erogenous zones in our partners… kissing, f***ing, tweaking and rubbing all at the same time.

8. We are more available. We can fix your vibrator when we’re not. Other people are not gonna steal us. We’re smart, and increasingly, we’re rich.

9. We’re sensitive to your needs. We learn this by spending way too much time with google analytics, nagios, server load times and iO rates.

10. Finally, we’re geeks. Girls prefer jocks. So we will go out of our way to be special to you.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the  Kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over.  “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.  … Shoulda bought a hat.”

From IOL:
“If Malema is found guilty, the ANC would have to decide on a suitable punishment.

The party’s constitution says penalties could include ‘reprimand, payment of compensation and/or the performance of useful tasks, remedial action, and suspension of membership or expulsion from the ANC’.”

Alas, I fear we will not see that day come. Early reports indicate that our utterly incompetent ANC leaders have backed down. They always say you should not point a gun at someone unless you’re willing to pull the trigger. Well, they just pulled the gun, and proved to the world that they are too afraid to pull the trigger. Thus emboldened, I shudder to think what Julius’ next moves will be.

Malema didn’t  call the BBC reporter a bastard, he thought the guy’s  name was Ted…

So he was actually calling him Baas Ted….