So take it like a man…..and by that I meant you motherfucker.

I’m pissed at several people who don’t have the common courtesy of answering a direct question. Some old friends, some new friends. Some other who commit to and then cancel on outings at the last minute, or just plain flake out. The ones who’s “maybe” is not “maybe”, it’s “I’m gonna cancel, just not right now, I’m working on an excuse”. I gave thought to the gifts going with the tickets, I give thought to your tastes when I invite you to shows.

Fuck it. I’m over it I’m having the time of my life and just wanted to share it with people I care for. I’m quite good at taking no for an answer, so don’t be shy, just don’t leave me hanging.

So this is how you build your own gnome catcher:

1: Find yourself a pipe. Everyone has an umbrella pole, so I opted for that. Next find something you can shove your cord through the pipe with like a wonky, thin feather duster. I used an old slackline for the noose, use whatver cord or thinnish rope you have lying around. The important thing here is that the shover-tool is of smaller diameter than the pipe.

And on that note: to the dumb ass (or is that numb ass?) who bragged to me about having so much “anul sex”: If it’s really that comfortable it just means his dick is much smaller than your asshole. Whichever is bigger or smaller it’s really a lose-lose situation. And please, please, for the love of God, use a spell checker.

2: Shove that cord through. Yeah, do it baby, no lube.

3: An unexpected but welcome bonus of using the umbrella pole is that you can thread the sling through the locking mechanism thus preventing you from pulling it through during a misguided capture attempt.

So I’m off with my posse to go lynch myself a gnome. Watch this space….

A day as Gaddafi. Two stunning women very dear to me driving me around town on a gnome hunt

“Interfering with information undermines the very need of [information providers],” Khoza said.

Yes. Please keep your voters as uninformed as possible.

No, you stupid dumb shit goddamn motherfucker!

So it just so happens that it’s only those 2 PC’s on the same external network “suddenly” experiencing the problem, while EVERYONE else are using the system just fine? You’re right it can never be a problem local to those 2 PC’s. Impossible.

What I actually said in my mail to Helpdesk (who asked me for help):
“Below looks like a network authentication problem – you’ll have to ask a desktop support person to go check all her settings. It’s possible  that her password expired or that her IE settings are not 100% correct”

Why would I be so radical as to suggest a network authentication problem? Here’s a hint (screenshot from user’s PC):

I know, I know, it’s a bit of a dark art figuring that one out. Leap-of-faith kinda stuff.

I also said:
“I’m thinking it’s the IE intranet security settings. I would suggest setting it to the absolute minimum (low) and work up from there.”

….which b.t.w. I know for a fact fixes the problem as this is not the first time this has happened - especially with offices not on our main network where the group policy gets applied at the whim of some network oak wanting to try out something new, or they switch between LAN & 3G because a switch got “re-configured”, or whatever the flavour of the day’s IT fuck-up happens to be.

I won’t be the one you like
I won’t be the boy next door
I won’t be the chosen one
That’s not what I’m here for
I don’t like the way you are
I despise what you hold dear
Don’t you try to make me change
I’ll haunt you for a thousand years
(Slash – Dr Alibi)

I’ll have so much cash I’ll lounge wherever in the world I please.

I”ll be a Climber. An Adventurer.

Fuck it, all that’s BS, I just wanted to show this pic…    ;-)

I have an (climbing) itch that needs scratching….

That just caught me. What constitutes a better a way to a bad place? Does it mean it’s quicker or slower? Darker? More painful? Do you get psycho-analyzed on the way there? Tied up and & whipped? Is there a tour guide with useful info? Do you get meds? Does your meds get taken from you? Smoking or non-smoking?

Yeah, I over think things.

So the trad trip got rained out. I wasn’t in the mood to drive out to the bouldering cave so I went to the gym for a little session on the rowing machine instead and then back home to watch another episode of Soprano’s.

I LOVE the rain, even if it forces you to change plans. I hate it when people, especially radio DJ’s start going on about the “miserable weather”. Life happens, roll with it.

Which brings me to radio shows: A firm favourite for me is Tuks FM. Their weekday breakfast & drive shows are pretty damn good, and generally the weekends are also very good. To my knowledge these guys are working for free (the station’s profit goes to charity) and they generally keep a high standard. One or two of the newer DJ’s still feel the urge to fill every microsecond with chatter, but it’s nothing a little experience won’t cure.

See, even Johan thinks the rain is ok!

Which is why when I heard Jakaranda FM on Friday afternoon I died a little death on behalf of any intelligent person forced to listen to it.

One would expect below the belt toilet humour from a student station like Tuks, instead they consistently come up with catchy phrases, clever titles and original ads. Kudos to the program manager who managed to keep it young, lively and sleaze free.

The same can not be said for Jakaranda. They on the other hand (and make no mistake Highveld is barely any better and I have luckily managed to avoid 5FM) failed miserably. I was treated to a promo ad of their breakfast show while driving in someone else’s car – I tried briefly to get a clip of the ad and some stats on their demographics, but it was not obviously available anywhere so I’m paraphrasing a bit here, bear with me:

Woman’s voice: “John is going to talk about his cock this morning. I believe he’s also going to touch it.”

….yes. The next bit is as obvious as dying when firing a 12 gauge shotgun into your mouth, albeit the shotgun option is probably less painful - the cock in question is of course a chicken. Semi canned laughter by “The Team”. John: “Yes I’m here with my cock this morning and I gave it a stroke or two and blablablabla”.

I cringed. I hugged myself, trying to convince myself that it would get better. I need mental floss. S.O.S. HELP!!!  This is the type of horse shit that a couple hundred thousand people listen to every morning, and yes, they find it amusing.

Fuck me. Perhaps some sort of global disaster to thin out the weaklings would not be so bad. It brought back repressed memories which I happily would have kept hidden away: When I worked at Desert Wolf the factory was out in the sticks and the only station they could pick up was Jakaranda. Luckily I was out 95% of the time, but I’ll never forget the one morning show I heard there, with Keeno if I recall, and a chick whose job description it seems was to giggle after every sentence he said. I could not figure out if the show director was after the canned-laughter-cue effect for the sake of the audience, or whether it was to encourage Keeno to spew forth more verbal diarrhea, sort of a Pavlov’s dog setup. It was horrifying to hear.

Ok, enough of that. Here’s a high five to those who endeavour to stay fresh and creative, those how manage the teaze without the sleaze. Live long and prosper.

Tonight’s a good Friday night, there’s a few options: Klitsgras – String & Skins Beeg Band. Black Friday (remember the Wolmer Blues Bash?) @ Cafe Barcelona and No Quarter Feat with Wayne Coughlan @ Steak & Ale. Tings sadly does not have an up to date guide online.

Klitsgras it is.
I like the idea of being able to move around there, maybe snack on something small, just relaxing and letting the beats drown out all the shit popping up in my mind.

Halfway there I’m not sure if I want to go anymore, maybe I should go somewhere else? O’Gallito’s serves these luxurious glasses of wine – an ice cold rose with some smoked salmon sushi might just hit the spot. No, I’ve eaten well today, let’s not spoil it, so I push on.

Check the onramp going back – no cops – yes!

A sticky situation, or at least one of them
I’m really thirsty, the sort that a beer does not help for,  so I stop of at the garage for one of those super duper healthy fortified mineral waters. The one I pick is for extra energy, without having any caffeine or sugar in it: +1 for the good eating plan. Thus emboldened I get in my car and drive off, only to have the drink pop out of the cup holder. Look, this thing has a BIG cap, so 7/8 of the contents are out before it even hits the ground.

Faaaaaaaark!!!!

An excellent song of The Narrow starts playing. Fuck it, the car needs a good valet anyways, off we go into the darkness of the far east.

Need to get the car serviced before my April trip – I smell petrol every time I get out of the car

What can I write on my blog, I’m all out of topics, nothing interesting happened today…..Wait, how about ”Since early in the evening I’m experiencing a feeling of emptiness. Not unlike that feeling when you’re trying to quit smoking and you want to do something, keep yourself busy, but you’re not quite sure what it is that will scratch your itch.” HA! Infinite loop created.

Tuks reception starts fading, Klitsgras is really out in the sticks. As I turn off and into the gate I have a not so small o-shit moment. The gate is closed and the place is obviously dead.

Faaaaark!!! #2

Somehow I screwed up the dates in my head. For a moment I consider trying to check Facebook on my phone to confirm, but then the absurdity of doing that struck me – I quickly put the phone away before anyone could see me. Murphy is having a laugh at my expense tonight.

Cut your losses
We’re heading back. Too late for the sushi now. Steak & Ale it is.

On the way back only 2 assholes blind me with their brights – things are starting to look up. I get lost in my thoughts, having the perfect conversations with people living in my head. Able to express myself perfectly, we have the most delightfully efficient arguments & banter in my mind.

*pop*

Steak & Ale
My perfect play is interrupted by reality as I turn of the highway back in Centurion.

I missed the first act, so they let me in at half price. I get my first drink without any of the usual bar-counter hassles (gin & tonic, to compliment my favourite bedtime drink: ice cold soda & a squeeze of lemon juice on the rocks – I’m such a refined mother fucker, aren’t I?) by which time the second act start playing – quite possibly perfect timing.

Put that in your pipe & smoke it Murphy

Wayne Coughlan & friends
3 okes with steelstrings, one on electric. Failed to ever REALLY get it going. Make no mistake, these guys are good, but I felt they were not doing as well as they could. A cover version or two were played, all very well. I got the impression they derive immense pleasure from the little harmonies they created, and that’s all well, but I’m a big fan of thumping steelstring rock / blues rock – good examples are “You’re crazy”, GnR on the Lies album, and “Locomotive Breath” – Jethro Tull. I just think with FOUR guitars, they can get a hell of a shit-kicking heart thumping beat going, and still each just do the solo breakouts they seem to focus on.

The one exception was the title track of their new album called “Machete” – well done! I truly got lost in the song, I may buy the album for that one alone.

All in all not bad, but not great.

No Quarter feat Wayne Coughlan & friends
This proved a much better recipe. Essentially they added a drummer, basist and all switched to electrics. I nearly walked out during the intro of the first song, it looked to be just another merry-go-round of “you play a bit, then me, then the next guy”, but all of a sudden they pulled it together and really got it going. Classic blues and some rock type riffs. A bunch of people started dancing as proof of the pudding.

Satisfied, ready to sleep I bid goodnight to my perfect slice of life. Hope you had a good one too, the best ones are those not planned to the finest details and even if so, rarely work out as planned. Roll with the punches, have a laugh and say “fuck it”.

Repetition rules.
Everything is repeated ad nauseam. The songs are the worst. Most have no more than 10 unique words, which are repeated either by singing each sentence 3 times before moving on to the next, or singing the exact same words just in another order. Often the next song also consists of basically the same words, in the same context and to hammer in the idea properly every other song is a repeat of a previously sung song.

Copyright is out the door too, many of those melodies sounded all too familiar.

The sermon is not much better, the same concept is repeated over and over.

I was left wondering if the absolute dumbed down simplicity of the songs is a reflection of what they guess the average IQ of the congregation member is, or just plain indoctrination.

Your weekly soap
The message was an old one, slightly rehashed and barely freshened up. The pastor actually mentioned that he gave this sermon on radio as well as at another church before. Like watching “Days Of Our Lives” you can skip quite a few episodes and when watching again you realise you actually did not miss a thing.

Jealousy makes you nasty
I must admit that some part of me was just plain jealous. Hell, this guy has a killer business model. Most of the labour is free: I mean, what honest God fearing person would not volunteer to help guard the cars, play in the band, usher at the door etc. ? I’m guessing that when the collection plates go around, they take anything from R40k to R100k per sermon – 3 sermons per day, 4 weekends per month - you do the math….. and that of course excludes the monthly contributors.

Given that the property, building, sound and video equipment is quite possibly all paid off (they celebrated their 25th year in existence) that makes for a high profit margin.

Comfortably numb
Having a beer at 9am on any morning is bound to give you a good buzz. It certainly takes out most of the sting, but after having this little experience I’d recommend at least 2 (it wears of too quick with all the getting up & sitting down) or perhaps spiking a little fruit juice for on-the-go buzz maintenance.

No Christians were harmed while writing this post. It did come close though on the drive out of the parking lot where elsewhere unseen courteous driving is committed.